Supporting Parenting: New Year, Same Struggles? How Change Really Happens.

January can make it feel like everything should be different: new routines, new energy, new rules and yet your daughter is still avoiding work, shutting down, or pushing back. If you’re standing there wondering, “Why isn’t this changing? What am I doing wrong?” this episode is for you.

This week, we unpack parenting support and why behaviour doesn’t shift overnight, how to spot small wins you’re probably overlooking, and practical ways to support your daughter when she’s unmotivated without nagging, rescuing, or burning yourself out, to improve your mother/daughter relationship.

You’ll learn:

• Why behaviour is the last thing to change, not the first.
• How to recognise quiet signs of progress.
• Why regulation always comes before motivation.
• How to support her in real life, even when she resists.

Plus, I share why slow progress is still progress and why you don’t have to do this alone.

🎧 Tune in and take the pressure off yourself this January.

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See you next time! 💛

Transcript

Ep.64 New Year, Same Struggles? How Change Really Happens

Why Behaviour Doesn’t Shift Overnight and How to Support Her When She’s Unmotivated

January has this sneaky way of making us feel like everything should look different by now.

New year.
New routines.
New rules.
New energy.

And yet… your daughter is still avoiding schoolwork, still “can’t be bothered,” still shutting down or pushing back and you’re standing there thinking,

“Why isn’t this changing?”
“What am I doing wrong?”

If that’s you, take a breath.

Nothing has gone wrong.
This episode is about how change actually happens and why slow doesn’t mean stuck.

⸻

Intro

Welcome back to The Teen Whisperer: the podcast for mums of girls - tweens, teens, and young women - who are trying to figure out this whole teenager thing without completely losing the plot.

I’m Rach Friedli, and I help mums of girls who are seen as too much, too sensitive, or struggling to fit in uncover what’s really behind their big emotions and challenging behaviour.

So you can stop second guessing, feel confident again, and truly connect with your daughter.

And listen, I’m a mum too.

Especially when your daughter emerges from the holidays like a tired sloth in pyjamas, and you’re wondering how on earth you’re supposed to magically reboot life on January 2nd.

⸻

The Myth of the January Reset

Let’s get this out of the way.

January is not a reset button.

It’s a transition.

And transitions are hard on nervous systems, especially young ones.

Your daughter’s brain hasn’t suddenly matured because the calendar changed.
Her motivation hasn’t magically returned.
Her capacity for effort hasn’t increased overnight.

And yours hasn’t either.

So if things feel wobbly, resistant, slow, or stuck, that’s not failure.

That’s biology.

⸻

Why Behaviour Doesn’t Change Overnight

Here’s the truth most parenting advice skips.

Behaviour is the last thing to change.

Not the first.

Before behaviour shifts, the nervous system has to feel:
• safe
• regulated
• supported
• understood

If your daughter is:
• avoiding work
• unmotivated
• procrastinating
• shutting down
• snapping or withdrawing

That’s not laziness.

That’s a system saying:
“This feels too much.”

And when we push behaviour without addressing the body first, resistance grows.

⸻

Physiology First (Always)

When a child or teen feels overwhelmed:
• cortisol rises
• the thinking brain goes offline
• motivation drops
• avoidance becomes protective

From the outside, it looks like:
“I don’t care.”
“I can’t be bothered.”
“I’ll do it later.”

Inside, it feels like:
“I don’t know where to start.”
“I’m already failing.”
“It’s safer not to try.”

This is why nagging, bribing, threatening, or lecturing rarely works long-term.

You’re talking to a brain that’s offline.

⸻

Embodied Pause x 3

Before we go further, just pause for a second.

Drop your shoulders.
Take a slow breath in through your nose…

And a longer breath out through your mouth.

Because supporting her starts with you being regulated first.

Always.

⸻

What Motivation Actually Is (and Isn’t)

Motivation isn’t something you demand.

It’s something that emerges when the nervous system feels safe enough to engage.

For teen girls especially, motivation is deeply connected to:
• emotional safety
• feeling seen
• belief that effort won’t lead to shame

If she’s avoiding work, it’s often because:
• she’s overwhelmed
• she’s scared of getting it wrong
• she’s already telling herself she’s “behind”

Avoidance is not defiance.

It’s protection.

⸻

How Change Really Happens

Real change looks quiet.

It looks like:
• getting out of bed a little earlier
• sitting at the table for five minutes instead of zero
• opening the laptop, even if nothing gets written
• asking one question instead of shutting down

These are small wins.

And small wins are not insignificant, they are evidence of regulation returning.

But because they don’t look dramatic, we miss them.

And then guilt creeps back in.

⸻

Spotting Progress You’re Probably Overlooking

Here are signs things are shifting, even if it doesn’t feel like it:
• She’s less explosive, even if she’s still resistant
• She recovers faster after a wobble
• She talks about work instead of refusing outright
• She accepts support without melting down
• She tries, even briefly before stopping

These are wins.

Your nervous system might be scanning for “done” or “fixed”.

Her system is working toward safe.

⸻

Supporting Her Without Pushing or Rescuing

So what actually helps when she’s unmotivated?

1. Regulate first, problem-solve second
Calm bodies think better.

2. Break everything down
Tiny steps reduce threat.

3. Name effort, not outcome
“I saw you try” lands better than “You should have finished.”

4. Sit alongside, don’t hover
Presence without pressure is powerful.

5. Keep routines gentle but predictable
Safety lives in rhythm, not rigidity.

And sometimes?
The most supportive thing you can say is:
“Let’s just start together.”

⸻

And this is where I want to name something important.

If you’re listening to this and thinking,
“This makes sense… but I still feel like I’m holding it all on my own,”
that’s exactly why I created WTF: What’s The Feeling.

Because knowing why behaviour happens is one thing.
Living it, day after day, when you’re tired, worried, and running on empty is something else entirely. 

WTF is a slower, steadier space for mums who want to stop firefighting and start understanding what’s really going on underneath their daughter’s behaviour and their own reactions too.

Inside, we work with real-life situations like this:
unmotivated teens, school avoidance, shutdowns, resistance
and we do it through the body first, not blame or pressure.

It’s not about fixing your daughter.
It’s about helping you feel more grounded, more confident, and less alone so you can support her without burning yourself out.

You don’t have to do this perfectly.
You don’t have to do it on your own.
_____________

Why This Is So Hard for Mums

Because you’re carrying:
• fear about her future
• pressure from school
• comparison with other families
• your own exhaustion

And January amplifies all of it.

So if you’re feeling impatient, worried, or fed up, that doesn’t make you a bad mum.

It makes you human.

⸻

The Bigger Picture

Your daughter doesn’t need a new version of herself this year.

She needs:
• safety
• understanding
• consistency
• and time

And so do you.

Change doesn’t come from force.

It comes from feeling supported enough to risk trying again.

⸻

Closing Anchor

So if you take one thing from today, let it be this:

Slow progress is still progress.
And regulation always comes before motivation.

Nothing is broken.

You’re not behind.

You’re right where change actually begins.

⸻

Outro

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Because remember:

It’s physiology before psychology. Always.

And you’re doing better than you think 💛