Why mirroring matters (and why this time of year is so hard)

Does Christmas leave you feeling like you’re failing, even though you’re doing everything?

The planning.
The organising.
The emotional holding.
The carrying of everyone else’s needs.

And somehow… you’re still exhausted, snappy, and quietly wondering what’s wrong with you.

Meanwhile, your daughter’s emotions feel louder, messier, closer to the surface and every reaction seems to press a button you didn’t even know you had.

If that’s you, this episode is for you.

In this episode of The Teen Whisperer, we unpack why this time of year hits mums and teen girls so hard, not from a mindset or motivation angle, but from the brain, heart, and nervous system.

You’ll learn:

• why Christmas overload isn’t a personal failing, but a physiological response
• how your daughter’s nervous system mirrors yours (and why that matters)
• what “mirroring” actually is and how it builds safety instead of conflict
• why regulation comes before behaviour change
• and how small, realistic shifts can bring more calm and connection over the holidays

We also talk honestly about:

• the mental load mums carry at this time of year
• why routines matter more than perfection
• and how asking for help models resilience, not weakness

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See you next time!

Transcript

Episode 62: Why mirroring matters (and why this time of year is so hard)

Does Christmas make you feel like you’re failing at life… even though you’re doing everything?

Like no matter how much you give, organise, plan, carry, hold, it’s never enough, and you’re still snappy, exhausted, and secretly wondering what’s wrong with you?

And on top of that, your daughter’s emotions are louder, messier, closer to the surface and somehow they’re pressing every single one of your buttons?

If that’s you, take a breath.
This episode is for you.

⸻

Intro

Welcome back to The Teen Whisperer: the podcast for mums of girls - tweens, teens, and young women - who are trying to figure out this whole teenager thing without completely losing the plot.

I’m Rach Friedli, and I help mums of girls who are seen as too much, too sensitive, or struggling to fit in uncover what’s really behind their big emotions and challenging behaviour.

So you can stop second guessing yourself, feel confident again, and truly connect with your daughter.

And listen, I’m a mum too so 100% get it.
The juggle is real.

Especially when your daughter is suddenly living like a nocturnal Netflix gremlin, and you’re left standing there thinking,
“What the friggidy frigg is going on?!”

⸻

Why This Time of Year Hits Us So Hard

Let’s talk honestly about Christmas.

Not the Instagram version.

The real one.

The one that brings:
• Pressure
• Overwhelm
• Endless to-do lists
• Emotional expectations
• And that low-level sense of “I should be enjoying this more”

For many women, this time of year doesn’t feel joyful, it feels heavy.

And here’s why.

Our nervous systems are already stretched.
Our hormones are already working hard.
Our mental load is already full.

Then we pile on:
• More responsibility
• Less rest
• Disrupted routines
• Constant noise and people and decisions

No wonder we’re irritable, emotional, snappy, or numb.

That’s not you failing.

That’s your body responding to overload.

⸻

The Brain, Heart & Body (For Us and Our Girls)

Here’s the piece that’s often missing from the conversation.

Our daughters’ nervous systems are mirroring ours, constantly.

Teen girls are deeply relational, emotionally attuned, and biologically wired for connection.
Their brains are still developing.
Their stress systems are sensitive.
Their sense of self is fragile.

So when we’re dysregulated, overwhelmed, rushing, or running on empty, they feel it.

Not because we’re bad mums.
But because humans are designed to co-regulate.

This is mirroring.

And it works both ways.

⸻

Physiology First (Always)

Most mental health conversations start with psychology:
“Think positively.”
“Change your mindset.”
“Be grateful.”

But when your body is in fight-or-flight, none of that lands.

When you’re stressed:
• Your breath becomes shallow
• Your heart rate increases
• Your brain goes offline
• Your emotional tolerance drops

That’s not weakness.
That’s survival physiology.

The same is true for your daughter.

And especially at Christmas, when routines disappear, nervous systems wobble.

⸻

The Big 5: Foundations for Calm, Energy & Connection

This is why I always come back to the Big 5:

Breath
Your emotional steering wheel.
Slow the breath, and the nervous system follows.

Movement
A reset button for the brain.
It clears stress hormones and brings perspective back.

Motivation
Doing something meaningful, not productive, restores resilience.

Sleep
This is where emotions are processed.
Without it, everything feels personal and hard.

Nutrition
Fuel matters.
Blood sugar dips = emotional dips.

These aren’t fancy.
They’re foundational.
And they’re always available.

⸻

Connection: The Missing Piece

But if I had to choose one thing above all else, it’s connection.

As women, we are biologically wired for it.

Without connection, I go into what I call survival mode, busy, distracted, doing, coping.

And that’s not living.

Teen girls feel this too.

They crave connection but often end up stuck in surface-level online interactions that deepen insecurity rather than soothe it.

They want to be seen.
Heard.
Valued.

Just like we do.

⸻

Why Mirroring Changes Everything

Mirroring isn’t rescuing.
It’s not fixing.
It’s seeing.

Sil Reynolds puts it beautifully:
“Mirroring her feelings and thoughts helps her to see herself.”

Think of it like holding up a mirror and saying:
“I get it. I see you.”

And here’s the bit we forget…

Our girls mirror us too.

If we do everything for everyone, they learn that’s normal.
If we never rest, they learn to feel guilty for resting.
If we never ask for help, neither will they.

This time of year exposes that pattern brutally.

⸻

A Real-Life Example (Yours)

This week I caught myself feeling flat, overwhelmed, and quietly resentful, like everything was on me.

And then my daughter said something that stopped me in my tracks.

She assumed that because I work from home, I could do the extra Christmas jobs, because I’m “around”.

That old script.
If Mum doesn’t do it, it won’t get done.

But instead of snapping or swallowing it, I explained.

The full why.

That I’d supported her earlier in the week.
That I needed protected time now.
That finishing work meant I could actually be present later.

And she got it.

That’s mirroring.

She saw my perspective.
I respected hers.
Nobody was rescued.
Nobody exploded.

That’s regulation in action.

⸻

Practical Tools: Mirroring Through Christmas

Here are some gritty, real-life ways to use mirroring right now:

• Ask for help and explain the why, not just the task
• Give your daughter specific responsibilities (not vague “help out”)
• Keep basic routines, especially sleep and meals
• Create a “safe exit” signal when she’s had enough (ours is the word banana - don’t ask 😄)
• Build in time out for everyone
• Get outside, even when you don’t feel like it
• Use breathwork in the moment, long exhales calm fast
• Eat regularly, hangry mums are not regulated mums
• Spend quality time doing something you both enjoy, not just organising life

And most importantly…

Stop doing it all.

⸻

Closing Recap

If Christmas feels hard, it’s not because you’re ungrateful.

It’s because your nervous system and your daughter’s are under pressure.

Nothing is wrong with either of you.

When we understand the body, the brain softens.
When we change how we respond, behaviour follows.

You’re not failing.
You’re learning.
And that matters.

⸻

Outro

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Because remember:
It’s physiology before psychology. Always.

And you’re doing better than you think 💛