Why She Just Can’t Calm Down…

Feeling like your home has turned into an emotional battlefield? This one’s for you.

In this episode, we’re diving into why your daughter can’t just “calm down” when emotions run high. From hormones and emotional flooding to the teenage brain still under construction, you’ll hear why logic often fails mid-meltdown and what’s really driving those big reactions.

I share real-life stories, eye-opening insights from my work with mums and girls, and gritty, in-the-moment tools you can use today to help her (and you) find calm, connection, and understanding without the guilt or power struggles.

Because it’s not about “bad behaviour”, it’s about her physiology, her developing brain, and how you can meet her where she is.

🎧 Grab your mug, hit play, and let’s make sense of the chaos together.

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See you next time!

Transcript

Hey lovely,

Come sit down for a minute.

Kettle on, mugs out, let’s just breathe for a sec.

Because if you’ve hit play today, I’m guessing things have felt a little intense lately.

Maybe she’s been slamming doors, snapping over nothing, or giving you that look - you know the one that says don’t even start.

Or maybe it’s the silence that gets you. The way she shuts down and disappears inside her room.

You’re not imagining it. Something has shifted.

And no, it’s not because you’ve done something wrong or because she’s “turning into a monster.”

It’s because her brain is still under construction.

Today we’re starting a brand new series here on The Teen Whisperer: Inside Her Mind, which I’ll be doing once a month.

It’s where we pull back the curtain on what’s actually going on inside your daughter’s brain and heart, so you can stop taking her behaviour personally and start meeting her where she’s really at.

So, let’s talk about this one:

Why she can’t just calm down.

The Truth Behind the Meltdown

I had a client say to me recently,

“Every time I try to calm her down, it just makes her worse. It’s like I can’t do anything right.”

And I smiled because I get it, I’ve been there too.

You try to be the calm one. You try to reason, to talk her through it, to say,

“Just take a breath.”

But instead of calming down, she explodes.

Here’s what’s really happening.

When your daughter is in full meltdown: shouting, crying, slamming doors, or withdrawing - her prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain that handles logic, empathy, and planning… it’s offline.

Like, genuinely offline. It’s still developing, and it won’t be fully mature until she’s in her mid-twenties.

So when you say “calm down” or “just stop,” you’re speaking to a part of her brain that literally can’t hear you yet.

It’s not defiance. It’s biology.

Her brain is still wiring itself, new neural connections are firing every day.

And while that’s happening, her emotions are being driven by the limbic system: the survival brain.

That’s where the fight, flight, or freeze response lives.

And here’s the kicker - when that survival brain lights up, blood flow actually leaves the logical part of the brain.

So, the part that can problem-solve, the part that can say “Mum, you’re right” - it’s gone offline.

And then we wonder why she can’t just breathe and talk rationally.

She can’t, not yet.

The Heart-Brain Connection

Now here’s where it gets even more interesting.

When we talk about regulation, we always think “brain.”

But the truth is, her heart plays just as big a role.

There’s this incredible network called the vagus nerve: it’s like a phone line running between the heart and the brain.

When her heart rate spikes, her brain reads that as danger.

When her heart slows, her brain gets the message, “You’re safe.”

So the fastest way to calm her brain…

is through her body and her heart, not through logic.

That’s why hugs, grounding touch, breathing together or even doing something playful work so much better than lectures.

Because you’re speaking her body’s language, not your adult brain’s.

What I See Every Day

I see this every single day in my work.

Mums sitting in front of me, exhausted, saying,

“I’ve tried everything, she just doesn’t listen.”

And what I tell them is this:

You’re trying to talk to a brain that’s in the middle of rewiring itself.

Your daughter’s brain is doing exactly what it’s meant to do, pruning away old connections, building new ones, experimenting, learning who she is.

And sometimes that process looks like chaos.

Because growth is messy.

And you, you’re the anchor she’s pushing against.

Not because she wants to fight you, but because she feels safest with you.

You’re the constant in a world that feels like it’s spinning too fast.

Real-Life Tools (for the messy moments)

Let’s get practical because theory doesn’t help much when you’re both mid-tears.

Here are a few gritty, real-life tools you can use in the moment:

1️⃣ Don’t talk, breathe.

When she’s spiralling, skip the pep talk and just breathe.

Slow your own breath - her body will pick up on yours through something called co-regulation.

You can’t bring her calm if you’ve lost yours.

2️⃣ Ground her body before her brain.

Sit beside her, not in front of her. Offer your hand, or a gentle touch if she’s open to it.

3️⃣ Wait for the window.

Don’t try to teach, fix, or reason mid-meltdown.

Wait until the storm passes, usually 20–40 minutes later, then come back and talk.

That’s when her prefrontal cortex starts to come back online.

4️⃣ Use heart language, not head language.

Instead of “You need to calm down,” try “This feels big, doesn’t it?”

That tells her you see her, not just her behaviour.

When It Feels Like Too Much

If you’re sitting there thinking,

“I’m so tired of being her punching bag,”

I hear you.

It’s relentless, isn’t it?

The walking on eggshells. The worry that one wrong word will set her off.

But you’re not failing. You’re navigating a time of her life where her brain, body, and feelings are all learning how to dance together, and some days, the music is chaos.

So when it feels like too much, take your own 60 seconds.

Step away.

Go to your safe space.

Breathe.

Regulate yourself before you reach for her.

That’s not selfish - that’s leadership.

Quick Recap

Let’s recap what we’ve talked about today:

💭 Her brain isn’t ignoring you - it’s still wiring itself.

🧠 Her prefrontal cortex isn’t fully online yet, so logic won’t land mid-meltdown.

💓 Her heart and body send the brain messages of safety, so start there first.

🌬️ And your calm nervous system is her anchor - it’s how she learns to find hers.

Closing & Outro

If this episode landed with you, hit subscribe so you don’t miss the next one: I’ve got so much more coming in this new Inside Her Mind series.

And if you’ve got a mum friend who’s sitting in her car right now wondering what on earth she’s doing wrong, please share this with her.

Help me get this podcast out there.

I’m on a mission to reach 1,000 downloads so more mums know they’re not alone in this.

And don’t forget to grab your free 60-Second Reset - it’s in the show notes.

It’s your in-the-moment survival tool for when it all feels too much - for you and for her.

And if you’re craving deeper support, come join me inside WTF: What’s The Feeling.

Your space for mums who want to stop firefighting and start truly understanding what’s going on underneath their girl’s behaviour. You get to practice what we talk about here, with other mums who get it. 

It’s not another course: it’s real, ongoing support, right when you need it.

Because remember 

it’s physiology before psychology.

Always.